Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey
by SageK
Summary: Written because I saw an entry on demonqueen666 's LJ that said "You know what I'd like to see? The pre-S1 Dollhouse story about the time that Topher rigged the in-house intercom system to blare DtICD sometime around Christmas."


Cracking his knuckles with a sense of satisfaction, Topher Brink paused for a moment to revel in the genius that was him. The magnanimous genius even. He felt the title was deserved, as he was about to do something solely for the good and enjoyment of others….

Well, that and it'd be a heck of a lot of fun watching the less intelligent minions try to figure how to undo the complex program he set up to run his little…exercise in holiday cheer. Cause, really, if anyplace needed a stiff shot of joy, it was the Dollhouse.

So he had put together a play list of amusing holiday tunes, including, but not limited to, Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, The 12 Pains of Christmas and You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch. He wired the Ipod into the House's internal speakers and when he hit play and shuffle, a random amusing song would echo (no pun) through the entire place. It was outside of the wiped actives usual routine, but he doubted the music would startle them unreasonably.

Best of all, he had made sure to erase any traces of his actions, even built a time delay in, so no one would know the little musical interlude was his doing! Total win!

With a laugh totally befitting the genius that was he, Topher hit play, then trotted out of his office to stand by the railing, leaning there as though casually looking out over the Actives below. In reality, he was glancing around at the staff, hoping to see their reactions. Doctor Saunders was chatting with Echo's new handler, Boyd…something. Hearn and a few other handlers were loitering, watching the dolls, while Adelle DeWitt and Laurence Dominic were just getting off of the elevator.

As the first strains of one of the slightly subversive tunes began wafting through the air, Topher smiled. It had to be a sign. The gods of technology had smiled upon him and chosen the perfect song, at the perfect time.

This was going to be epic!

* * *

At the first sounds of bells and- was that tuba music- Adelle DeWitt looked up into the air and demanded, "What is that?"

Beside her, Laurence Dominic seemed equally confused, "Maybe a malfun….."

_"Hey!_

_Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_It's Dominick the donkey._

_Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_The Italian Christmas donkey._

_(la la la-la la-la la la la la)_

_(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)"_

All around the house, Actives and staff were looking around in confusion. The dolls mostly seemed disinterested, but a few of them wore vague smiles and swayed slightly in time with the song. A few handlers were actually snickering.

"Security, where the hell is that coming from?"

Adelle looked over at Mr. Dominic, who was looking positively thunderous as he shouted at the internal security team over his comm.

"I don't know, sir!" The voice on the other end of the line sounded choked and there was a wheeze of restrained laughter. "According to the system, it's originating in each speaker!"

_"Santa's got a little friend,_

_His name is Dominick._

_The cutest little donkey,_

_You never see him kick._

_When Santa visits his paisons,_

_With Dominick he'll be._

_Because the reindeer cannot,_

_Climb the hills of Italy._

_Hey! Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_It's Dominick the donkey._

_Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_The Italian Christmas donkey._

_(la la la-la la-la la la la la)_

_(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)"_

Never having heard this particular song-- if you could call it that-- Adelle pursed her lips together to hold back any inappropriate reaction. Someone misusing House resources was no laughing matter, but the look on Laurence's face was most amusing.

He looked like he would like nothing more than to find who had done this and drop kick them into the New Year. Eyes narrowed, he glared at the location of the nearest concealed speaker, then those sharp blue eyes flew around the open areas of the house before settling on a target.

"Topher."

It came out as more of a low growl than a word and Adelle refused to acknowledge the little tingle she felt, deep in her belly, when he used that tone.

Either Topher had ears like a German Sheppard, or he could simply sense the waves of concentrated hostility being radiated in his direction, and he looked up. When saw them, there was no doubt in Adelle's mind he was behind this little prank. The boy couldn't lie to save his life.

_"Jingle bells around his feet,_

_And presents on the sled._

_Hey! Look at the mayor's derby,_

_On top of Dominick's head._

_A pair of shoes for Louie,_

_And a dress for Josephine._

_The labels on the inside says,_

_They're made in Brooklyn._

_Hey! Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_It's Dominick the donkey._

_Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_The Italian Christmas donkey._

_(la la la-la la-la la la la la)_

_(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)"_

So often they strolled side by side, Adelle often forgot how very fast Mr. Dominic could move when he put his mind to it. In a mater of seconds, he had more than half closed the distance between himself and Topher, who clearly had no idea their security chief had, at one point, been a collegiate track star.

Far to late to make any sort of retreat, Topher tried to leave the scene, but had barely taken a few steps when Dominic was on him, one hand fisted in the sweater vest-- red and green argyle, in honor of the season-- while the other found purchase on the smaller man's belt.

"Woah! Hey there, Dom! What's up? Besides the amount of pain I am currently in," Topher babbled as Laurence hoisted him bodily into the air.

Knowing Mr. Dominic would most likely not cause Topher any serious damage in such a public venue, Adelle did not rush around the walkway. It was uncouth to run.

_"Children sing, and clap their hands,_

_And Dominick starts to dance._

_They talk Italian to him,_

_And he even understands._

_Cumpare sing,_

_Cumpare su,_

_And dance 'sta tarantel._

_When jusamagora comes to town,_

_And brings du ciuccianello."_

"What's up?" Dominic questioned, carrying Topher towards his office in a manner that did not look comfortable for Mr. Brink. "What's up is Io ti ammazzo se non ci si che il rumore off!" (I'm going to kill you if you don't turn this music off)

The sound from Topher was a high pitched, almost hysterical sound of laughter. "Oh, of course you speak Italian!"

_"Hey! Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_It's Dominick the donkey._

_Chingedy ching,_

_(hee-haw, hee-haw)_

_The Italian Christmas donkey._

_(la la la-la la-la la la la la)_

_(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)_

_Hey! Domini!"_

Dominic opened the doors of Topher's office with a sharp kick, causing Topher to howl, "Be careful with the equipment! And the Topher!"

The answer was another growl and Topher scurried to his computer as the next song started. A short drum riff, followed by:

_"Uno, dos, tres, cuatro_

_Tie up your boots_

_Jump off the ladder_

_Pack up your clothes_

_Nothing's the matter_

_Mistletoe hangs up in the bedroom"_

Adelle hovered in the doorway, thus far content to let Mr. Dominic handle the situation. Topher seemed appropriately cowed, pouting as he tapped a series of commands into his computer.

Hovering over his shoulder, Mr. Dominic cocked his head. "How could you put Sufjan Stevens in the same play list as that thing that just assaulted our ears?"

The tapping at the keyboard stopped and Topher slowly turned to look at Laurence, expression far more shocked than when he was sailing through the air, only a hand on his belt keeping him from flying over the rail into the atrium below. "Has hell frozen over or did you just accurately identify a cool singer?"

Dominic glowered down at him, but his anger had dissipated. Mostly. "Please. As if I'm not exponentially cooler than you."

"I beg to differ, Mr. Freaks-Over-A-Silly-Christmas-song."

"Remind me again who lives in his office."

"At least I'm not named after a Donkey!"

Crisis averted and no bloodshed immanent, Adelle turned to leave. She liked to maintain the illusion that she worked with mature adults. Normally, Mr. Dominic was the picture of professionalism, but she supposed he deserved a moment of levity. It was Christmas after all.


End file.
